4 Nigerian jokes you have not heard before

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Plantains
Teacher: Kola, spell plantain
Kola: whish one? the lipe one or
the unlipe one?
He asks "Which one? The ripe one
or the unripe one?", some people
(like me) have trouble with the 'r',
and with some people, it sounds
like an 'l'
Teacher: what difference does it
make? Just spell plantain!
Kola: Teasha, If you fly the lipe one
na 'DODO',
if you fly the unlipe one na 'SHIPS'
if you loast am, na 'BORLI'
All of them na plantain,
so whish one you wan make I
spell?
LONDON ZOO
A Nigerian youngster who was
visiting the United Kingdom for the
first time was taken to the London
zoo for sightseeing. On getting to
the section where monkeys are
kept, he was amazed to see other
tourists giving out plenty of
money to the monkeys that were
hopping around doing acrobatics.
The more the acrobatics, the more
the tourists enjoyed the show and
the more the money (hard
currency) the monkeys got.
This young man suddenly had an
idea and when he got back to
Nigeria, he started learning all
kinds of acrobatics. He visited his
medicine man and asked for a
portion that will transform him
into a monkey.
During his next visit to London, he
went into the zoo and took the
portion and was transformed into
a monkey. He joined the other
monkeys and started his own type
of modern, systematic and
attractive acrobatics. He soon
caught the attention of all the
tourists who wasted no time in
showering him with plenty of
pounds sterling. He was now
making more money than the real
monkeys.
The king of the monkeys didn't like
this and challenged the new
monkey to an acrobatic duel. The
contest was tough and very keen
but the new monkey won. The
king monkey had to go on exile in
shame but before he left he set a
trap for the intruding monkey who
now became the new king.
The next day, monkey business
started as usual, with money
coming in from the tourists. There
was this particular tourist who
really enjoyed the show that he
threw a lot of money into the cage.
The new king pocketed his money
but to his amazement all the other
monkeys threw their earnings into
the adjacent cage. The new king
could not comprehend this and
would not allow all that money to
go away like that; so he jumped
into the adjacent cage to pick up
the money. It was only when he
got there that he realized it was a
lion's cage.
The lion looked at him, looked at
the money and roared and started
toward the monkey who was now
sweating, shaking and foaming in
the mouth.
Half way, the lion suddenly
stopped, looked at the monkey
again and said:
"Oh boy, if no bi say we all na
Naija, I for show you."
Hungry and Broke
There were three men living
together in London. An Afro-
American, a West Indian and a
Nigerian. They were all starving
because they didn't have money to
buy food.
However upon coming close to a
posh London restaurant in this
classy neighbourhood, they
decided to come up with a plan.
The Afro-American went in first.
After being seated, he ordered a
three course meal with white
wine. When he had finished the
meal, the waiter came by with the
bill. "LISTEN MY MAN, I ALREADY
PAID YOU!" - the Afro-American
shouted! The waiter was very
confused because he could not
remember being paid. But because
he did not want to cause any
trouble, he let the brother leave.
Five minutes later, the West Indian
walked into the same restaurant
and ordered a five course meal
with red wine. When he was
finished eating, the waiter came by
to collect the money for the food.
"HEY, HEY, LOOK AT ME CROSSES.
BUT AH PAID YOU ALREADY!" - the
West Indian shouted. This time the
manager came and had to calm
down the West Indian, because he
did not want anything to upset the
other customers. He let the guy go.
Ten minutes later, the Nigerian
walked in. And you know how we
are. He sat down. Lit up a cigarette,
and ordered the most expensive
meal on the menu, plus two
bottles of Beer. After he had
finished, the waiter came to collect
the money for the meal, But before
the Nigerian could say anything,
the waiter spoke to him."Sir, I have
been having all sorts of problems
all day and I can't understand it.
Two other people like you came in
earlier and ate, and they say that
they paid me but I don't remember
getting any money from them so, "
Before he could finish, the Nigerian
interrupted, rather emphatically,
"OGA I SORRY FOR YOU OOOO. BUT
DAT NA YOUR PROBLEM. I JUST
WANT YOU TO GIVE ME MY
CHANGE!!"
NNA, IYON AND KANABAR
An Akwa Ibom passenger once
boarded a bus in Lagos. The bus
driver was an Ijaw man and the
conductor was a Calabar man.
The Akwa Ibom man said to the
bus conductor, "Ah de ko ori oro."
The conductor then told the driver,
"Idi-oro wa O."
On the way, the bus had a flat tire.
The Ijaw man then told his
conductor, "Zackson, get the zack,
make you put the spare tire. Make
you no allow us sleep for road in
Nagos O."
The conductor cracked up in
laughter, "Oka Yohn, you dey call
yack Zack, You no know say dem
no go understand you for Dagos."
One Igbo man then disembarked
the bus in anger and exclaimed,
"Ekolo Gbeja mi, Malu fo soke.",